I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
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13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.