Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
some Old Testament wisdom
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
marvel comics have peaked
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards