[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
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Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.