him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
You Might Also Like
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.