Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.