Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
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I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 馃檨
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn鈥檛 my baby
him: mom I鈥檓 35 years old
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom馃嵎: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that鈥檚 still deciding what to wear.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn鈥檛 this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Had to try this trend 馃槉
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
“Sheer Arrogance”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.