DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.