[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
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It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
🤣🤣🤣
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due