[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
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I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.