“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.