You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.