the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
estão todos miauvindo?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.