Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
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The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*