The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Ok but actually
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try