Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
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Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Duolingo getting serious.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”