Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
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Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
finally
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’