Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
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Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
How can I say no to this ?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!