[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
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Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My dating profile:
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”