Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
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Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
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I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.