I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
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So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*