I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
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It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”