Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
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I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything