*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
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OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Natural selection at its finest
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
a badder mouse
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh