99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?