The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
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My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I鈥檓 part of that cult
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL鈥橲 BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i鈥檓 telling god
AB: i鈥橫 TeLLiNg gOd
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like鈥an you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
馃幎馃幎馃幍馃幍
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they鈥檙e only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Cauliflower鈥檚 mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli鈥檚 mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
American Diner: How鈥檇 you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we鈥檙e going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life鈥檚 challenges
you鈥檝e heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.