Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
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I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
“That’s what” – She
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
this is the best interaction on twitter
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives