*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
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[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers