Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
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ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*