This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
You Might Also Like
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Tony Hawk, age 6
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…