What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
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After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now