Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
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My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Does your wife know you’re single?
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?