4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns