Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
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Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.