I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan