When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
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Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.