Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
black phone good
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.