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Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
dads on road-trips be like
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.