Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
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At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.