If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.