*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
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came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Basically.