How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
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“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never