The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Crying is a sign of leakness.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I enjoy a good short stor
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Worst Native American name ever.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??