We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
This is my emotional support knife.
Cardio Made Easy
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.