My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
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kitchen magnet
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Baking is just science you can eat.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.