Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
You Might Also Like
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.