“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
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All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.