Note to self: always read the final line
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’