Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
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I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
LA today:
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.