under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
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Netflix and awkward silence?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Spa day..😅
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.