SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
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Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.